Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Im part way to drunk.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
