Swine flu. Run for my life!
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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