Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
There's always time for handjobs
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
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