The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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