I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
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