I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
do nipples grow back?
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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