I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
