I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
