i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
