i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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