May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
