I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
