You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
