Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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