I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
