News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
