I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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