I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
