John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
