Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Randomize
