Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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