I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
He called his prostate his "boner button".
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
