Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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