Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
