Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
