3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
