It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
Randomize
