Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Randomize
