The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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