nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Randomize
