I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
