remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
