Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
