At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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