I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
