Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
