My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
