a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
He told me they were just razor bumps!
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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