im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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