never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
