the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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