My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
You're like the curious george of whores
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
My feet surprised me
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
