sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
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