Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
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