I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
