i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Randomize
