How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
