My balls are so social today.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
How's work?
Spinning.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize