Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
