Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Randomize
