I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Just cropdusted the office
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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