I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
