Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
this hospital has no fireball
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
