And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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