I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
