If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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