I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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