guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
nutella sex= disaster
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
My vagina is very pro this idea
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Randomize
