so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
