How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
