I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
