Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
