i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
