I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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