im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
